VP: The Adventure of the Dead Dog

It was raining outside, and the postman was bored. Since his wife had died in mysterious circumstances, he had passed much of his time by eating microwave curries and using his faithful dog for taser practice, but since the dog’s heart-related demise, he had little in the way of entertainment to occupy his evenings. To ease the boredom, the postman penned a detailed plan of serial tasering, in which unsuspecting members of the public would be surreptitiously stunned by him as he hid from view. As he got up and went to retrieve his taser gun from the basement, the postman fortuitously slipped on a novelty rubber phone which had belonged to his dead dog, and tumbled down the basement stairs, breaking his neck.

When, a few months later, his elderly neighbour contacted the police because of the foul smell now emanating from the postman’s house, a couple of young officers entered his abode and discovered his festering body, and his diabolical plan, which was still scrunched up in his rapidly rotting hand. As they read his scheme, their initial sadness turned to relief, as they comprehended the needless suffering and inconvenience that had been averted by his timely demise. Later on, the Chief turned up to make an exciting quip on which to end the day, but could only muster up a stuttered joke about dog being man’s best friend, which his subordinates didn’t think quite fitted the situation. In the end, they decided to laugh politely, instead of vocalising their concerns about the joke. He was the Chief, after all.