Traditionally the time for short-term resolution and determination, the new year buzz is an easy target for a degraded cynic. There's fat people pretending they'll lose weight, skinny celebrities pretending they'll gain it, and all manner of exciting physical and mental challenges set by people drunk on the excesses of the festive season.
But, as much as I love an easy target which reduces the need to fully exercise my brain or acerbic facetiousness, it must be considered at least somewhat admirable that people acknowledge an area in themselves that they wish to change and thus resolve to change it. Certainly it's more worthy than the complacency which allows the person completely devoid of self-criticism to sustain themselves.
So, where do I go from here, having acknowledged that self-improvement isn't necessarily worthy of disdain? I go to the next easy target I can find - the emotionally frail and easily suggestible.
I recently read this blog post - 30 Things To Stop Doing To Yourself (opens in new window) - and unlike anything I've ever written, it appears to be uplifting and popular. Although published in early December, it's exactly the sort of the post-Christmas platitudinous tough love that we all crave - a handy list of the most essential self-improvements.
The problem with it, and similar lists, is that its resolutions are impractical, unmeasurable, facile and occasionally downright wrong:
Here a few examples:
3 - Stop Lying To Yourself
5 - Stop Trying To Be Someone You're Not
These two fall under the facile category because they fundamentally misunderstand basic human nature, which consists very significantly and vitally of self-delusion. People need to be shielded from themselves because it's a way of protecting their mental state from the harsh reality of the mess they really are. Number 3's paragraph actually says that the one person you can't lie to is yourself, which is patently bullshit. Confabulation is a recognised trait that everyone displays, for example when creating fictional narratives to explain actions they've taken or trying to explain the origin of emotional states that the person is completely clueless about.
No. 5 undermines the rest of the list because you'd have to be someone you're not in order to make changes to yourself. If I want to "stop being ungrateful" (no. 30), I have to act like a more grateful person, repressing the feelings of ungratefulness that are my more natural state, and forcibly change myself, suppressing the person I truly am.
20 - Stop Wasting Time Explaining Yourself To Others
28 - Stop Trying To Be Everything To Everyone
The first one here is both vague and dangerous. Down the path of refusing to explain yourself lies arrogance and a refusal to confront one's own shortcomings. Its failure is compounded by the accompanying sentence: "Just do what you know in your heart is right." How could the author think that encouraging gullible and hapless followers to think "I don't have to explain myself to you. I know in my heart that what I did was right" could ever be a healthy way for people to progress? I'm not sure what the second one even means. Is it a command for people to be more selfish? Less changeable? More apathetic? Perhaps I'm an exceptionally selfish person, but to how many people does no. 28 even apply?
19 - Stop Letting Others Bring You Down To Their Level
Ah, vague and sort-of hard to disagree with. Platitudinous bliss. How many people who are routinely brought down to others' levels (however that's assessed) only do so because they haven't realised that it's probably not a good thing? Will someone read this and say "Hmm... ordinarily I'd feel comfortable degrading myself and lowering myself to the same level as 'others', but now this short sentence has directed me down a new path"? There's no accompanying practical explanation, just a second sentence restating the first in different words.
I won't go on, because this post is already so long that no one will read it, or even credibly suggest they have read it. I could write anything here and it'll never be read. So, down here, after everyone's lost interest, I'm going to bury the bit where I agree with the list:
17 - Stop Complaining And Feeling Sorry For Yourself
26 - Stop Blaming Others For Your Troubles
Although, as before, these two are inadequately explained, they are useful if followed. So, how does one follow them properly? I've no idea, but then I'm not claiming to offer "PRACTICAL TIPS FOR PRODUCTIVE LIVING" as the author of "30 Things To Stop Doing To Yourself" is. My own modest contribution is to argue that one of the first steps towards any self-improvement is to acknowledge that one is the main agent for change in one's life and thus to take responsibility for yourself (no. 26). That's not to say that you shouldn't feel angry and resentful towards the people who've helped cause your troubles (and who would argue that it's possible to repress those feelings anyway?). But anyway, such a nuance is impossible when one glibly makes a list of short commands all beginning with "Stop".
Regarding no. 17, I would agree that self-pitying is damaging. I would argue this because it stops people from progressing practically or emotionally. It's so easily written and so much harder to achieve. But that's because you can't read a short list of desirable areas of self-improvement and expect to actually achieve anything by doing so. To quote Lisa Simpson (which is how all powerful paragraph-ending sentences start), "Self-improvement can be achieved but not with a quick fix. It's a long, arduous journey of personal... discovery."
As I stroll into the grey areas of hypocrisy, I'm rather disgusted at my own glibness here. I've tentatively agreed with 2 of the author's points and have written two medium-length paragraphs about why and I still feel as though this has been very inadequately explained or explored. I've no idea how the original author can reel off 30 sentences and expect them to be read as "practical" self-help. But then many people have commented positively on what he's written, so what the fuck do I know?
when I read stuff like that I usually discount the actual things it tells you to do (for the reasons you state, mainly) but use the purpose of the post (self improvement) as a prompt to start thinking about the things I would actually like to change, then try and fashion those into something beyond a platitudinous (I like that word) sentence. I guess of the people who've commented, some have resolved to obey all 30 and will fail almost immediately, some have acknowledged that there is room for improvement but will likely think no more about it, and some (you and by proxy me) have put some proper thought into it and will, hopefully, gain something.
ReplyDeletemy new year's resolutions are deliberately vague and leave a lot of room to be built upon / changed as necessary as I've found in the past this helps. limiting resolutions to new year isn't something that strikes me as particularly sensible though; if you identify something that needs changing, change it immediately, or at least as soon as realistically possible. no need to wait for an arbitrary date.
I guess there would be some value in the post if people use it to spur themselves on to genuine self-improvement. It just seems that people see a message they agree with, such as the "Stop Trying To Be Everything To Everyone", and think, "yeah, that's good. I'll do it", and assume that that's all one they need to do to start making the change. In reality, such a bland point should be self-evident. What would be of real value is a guide for how to achieve the change. I guess there's no reason he should provide that extra input, but it does say "PRACTICAL tips".
ReplyDeleteI definitely agree on your last point about not waiting for an arbitrary date. It's just another form of pointless procrastination.
I agree that such points should be self evident, and that people will think what you said ("yeah, that's good, I'll do it"); for most people that brief pledge to better themselves is enough. That's the very thing I find hard to comprehend though. Why identify an avenue for change, then put no further thought / effort into actually making the change?
ReplyDeleteThis is something I've thought a lot about recently, actually. (Hence the lists and analyses of goals on my blog). I can't tell whether people are lazy (don't want to put in the effort), uninterested in actual improvement (either because they think they don't need it or because they are unable to admit that they need it), or just too easily distracted. The non-misanthropic part of myself hopes it's just the latter :P
I'd side with laziness really. Maybe it's a bit of implied arrogance too. Maybe they would never admit to being perfect, but when it comes to self-improvement, they secretly view themselves as good enough already, so self-improvement isn't an urgent goal.
ReplyDelete